I fell down a hole today.
An emotional one.
The good news is that I am a warrior, and have the tools to climb back out!
It started with my daughter heading off to camp this morning, and processing the tears and bitter-sweet emotion of watching her leave for a fantastic adventure, knowing that the experience is exactly what she needs, but also feeling the sadness of there being a hole in the home for a couple of days.
I was also greeted with a number of parents from our school who congratulated me on the public thanks I received last night at our school’s presentation night. I had chosen not to attend, so I was unaware of the fuss that had been made about me, but apparently the Principal of the school had used my achievement of Black Belt as an anecdote in one of her speeches. This made me feel a little uncomfortable actually.
I have the ability to achieve many milestones in my life, and have often received the accolades for doing so. Receiving thanks for the time and energy I donate to the school was gratefully received. But having my achievement of being a Black Belt be so publicly exhibited made me feel uncomfortable. Sure, I am proud of what I have achieved. And yes, I am pleased that I can act as an inspiration to others. However, a fear arose as well.
An hour or so later I went to my martial arts training, and discovered 3 new girls in our daytime class (an uncharacteristically large number for this class), and enjoyed the opportunity to be a role model for them. I had a great time assisting them, one-on-one, using my skills to assist their growth. It was a great class. Then at the end of class our instructor mentioned that he may be away next week, and that he would like me, and a couple of the other high-ranking students, to share the responsibility for running the class in his absence. And so again, the fear returned…
I chatted with one of my training partners about my reluctance to ‘be seen’ in this role, and realised that this fear was coming from past experiences, past environments from my childhood where the tall-poppy syndrome had been alive and well. As a teenager I had learnt it was safer to play small, to be a quiet achiever, to hide my marks and thus, my magnificence. And while I can now see things from a different perspective, knowing that I am in a different environment, and that playing small does a disservice to both me and those who miss out on my teachings, I still feel the emotion. You see, I had no problem with sharing my knowledge one-on-one. But doing it on a bigger scale, in front of the whole class, has unsettled me.
A couple of weeks ago, at Warrior Camp, I had the opportunity to change this. I was in a supportive environment, with people who were willing to witness me owning my power, and accepting my greatness. And I piked out. I was scared. I thought “If I really declare the truth of who I am, will these people still want to be my friends?”. “Will they view me as blowing my own trumpet, and reject me?”. I see quite a difference between being capable and using my talents and skills to help others, to actually verbalising them and letting others know that I accept the truth of my own abilities. And so when asked to externalise the ‘beauty I see in myself’, I held back, I played small, I didn’t really give 100%. And that is not like me. 🙂
You see, I DO know that I am capable of amazing things, and I express this by taking on responsibility, but shy away from the recognition. Yes, secretly I want others to notice me, to acknowledge that I’ve done a great job, but really it is me who really needs to see it and appreciate it. I need to practice owning it… and do so publicly.
This afternoon I have been reading a first draft of a fantastic new best-selling book that my friend has just finished writing. I have been amazed at the parallels between her life and mine, especially in the emotions we have felt and patterns of giving away our power. This afternoon I felt so grateful to have her book to highlight this to me. And to help me take another step higher.
And so I sat down and gave myself a good pep talk. I acknowledged my fears, and listed my positives. T. Harv Eker often says “what you focus on expands”, and I have direct experience of this being true. You see, I do still have times where I fall down the pit of pity, but the time I spend down there is becoming less and less, as I have spent the last 5 years building up a repertoire of supportive beliefs. I have learnt to change my focus and write a new story for my life. And I have collected a great group of friends who revel in the times when I stand tall and shine brightly. I feel so grateful to have such supportive souls around me.
So now, I choose to make up for the opportunity I missed a week ago. I choose to accept who I am. I choose to let go of the fear of rejection, and to celebrate myself, my life, and all those whom I have the privilege of spending time with. And I choose to attract other people who will mirror that back to me, and I will allow that to be OK.
I realise that as I allow myself to shine, I also incidentally give permission for those around me to shine the truth of who they are. And all I see is magnificence.
So I would like to complete the process that I started with Mark and say:
The beauty I see in myself is that I am:
– a leader
and I choose for it to be OK for others to see these things in me as well. 🙂
Infinite Love & Gratitude!